After the Dream
by live.die.be
Summary: They're home, and nothing's changed. The children they were grew up while they were away, and their perfect world belongs to the people they used to be. Everything changed, and Kairi, Sora and Riku find that they have changed even more. You really can't ever come home again. Post KH2, Gen-fic.
1. Kairi: Lucky

**Disclaimer-** I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

**Author's Note-** This is four chapters long, plus an epilogue. Second part is about half written, so it'll probably be posted in the next month.

This is a gen-fic. No pairings, even though I do love slash, and I'm finding SoKai more appealing everyday. Post KH2, AU after that because it totally ignores 3D

Completely unbeta'd because it's been sitting in my files for months, and I just want to get it posted.

Enjoy, and please review.

* * *

**After the Dream**

**Part I**

* * *

**Kairi : Lucky**

_Coming home isn't quite like we thought it would be. _

_Being able to rest isn't as much of a relief as it should be. Seeing our friends and family again, being with the people who we had left behind, it isn't heartwarming like I thought it would be. The very first reunions, when we first saw our parents again for the first time in so long, even that wasn't as happy as I had imagined it._

_Slowly, we're settling back into the lives that we lived before we left, although it's taking far longer than any of us expected it to. We thought that we would come home, and that nothing would have changed while we weren't there._

_That was foolish of us, naive and unlike the way that the people who we are now would think. It would have been too __**easy **__for nothing to have changed, and nothing can __**ever **__be easy for us._

_Nothing quite feels __**right**__. _

_It feels like we're too old for this, and at the same time it feels like we're too young to even understand. Our lives don't fit us as well as they used to, which seems impossible, but it's __**true**__. Our friends, they seem young and shockingly innocent. They're blind to everything that we now know. _

_All of us, we thought that things would just fall back into place the way that they were. _

_It's been a month now. _

_Nothing's the way that it used to be, and __**everything **__has changed._

_Riku, he was supposed to get better when we came home. The cracks and broken pieces of him left over from the Darkness' influence were supposed to go back to the way they were before. He was supposed to be __**whole **__again, but that didn't happen. He's still broken, and sometimes I think that he's hurting even more than he did when we were still away from home._

_It's almost worse with Sora. He's not the same anymore, even if he still smiles like there's nothing wrong. Even if he can't quite see it, the person he used to be is __**gone**__. He thinks that he's the same person he used to be, and he doesn't understand why all of his old friends look at him strangely when his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes._

_Being away from home, away from everything that we knew, it's changed us all. We've grown up while we were away, and we aren't the same people._

_We fit together - us three - but nothing else does anymore._

* * *

After Donald, Goofy and Mickey go back to their own world, the three of them are left alone again on the beach, and something changes.

Kairi starts to cry, and even she isn't quite sure that they're entirely from happiness. Sora reaches forward, pulls her into a hug, and that just makes things break a little bit more as they both notice that they don't quite fit together as well as they did, and that Sora's arms aren't nearly as skinny and boy-ish as they were when they all had first left.

Riku stands to the side nearby and looks nervous, like he wants to pinch himself to make sure that it isn't just a dream. When Kairi steps away from Sora, she hurls herself at Riku, hugs him, and then pulls Sora close with one arm, holding them both as she cries and smiles at the same time.

"You're home," she says disbelievingly, and then she starts to sob.

Sora grins at her, and she pretends that she can't see it cracking. "We are!"

Kairi looks up at Riku, and he forces a stiff smile for her. (She ignores the dark shadow it has, and just appreciates that they're with her again.)

He nods once, and the shadow is briefly swept away when he speaks, "We're back."

* * *

They can't stay on the beach forever, even if they (might) want to.

They go to Sora's home first, since it's closest, where his parents immediately start to cry, and sweep him into a crushing hug. His mother clings to him as his father calls Kairi and Riku's parents, telling them to come see all their children again.

The night runs late, filled with crying, coffee, and questions that none of them want to, or know _how _to answer. It's loud, boisterous, and when Kairi laughs there's a _barely _noticeable hint of hysteria underneath. It would have gone on until morning, more questions and more laughter, and it only ends when the children say that they're tired, which is true, but is more an excuse for them to escape the choking atmosphere of affection that overwhelms them.

Riku and Sora say goodbye to Kairi, and they agree to meet on the play island, by the paopu tree, whenever they can find a free minute. They know that they have things to discuss: What to tell (if anything), and what to keep secret (what _not _to). What they should say about _everything _that happened.

* * *

That night after everyone is sleeping soundly, by only the light of the moon and stars, Kairi slips out of bed, and unearths an empty shoebox from her dresser.

She walks back to her bed, careful not to let any floorboards creak under her feet, and she takes the small, handmade book on her night table, places it in the box, and returns the lid to keep it from being seen by curious eyes. She shoves it into the back of her closet, _hides _it, hides it away from prying, watching eyes.

She closes the closet door firmly, winces at the loud click of the latch, and turns away from the door and the box hidden inside.

She returns to bed, and when Kairi closes her eyes, she realizes that she feels a little lighter than she had. (A part of her itches for the familiar book that she kept on her nighttable, but she tells herself that she doesn't need it now, that everything will be alright.)

She _doesn't _need it anymore. Not now that they're _back_. She won't be alone anymore, won't allow herself to be left behind again.

She _doesn't _need it, she reassures herself.

_Everything will be alright._

* * *

They don't get a chance to meet for a week, Sora and Riku too busy with questions, hugs and people who are unwilling to let them out of their sights.

It's late afternoon by the time she finds a free minute inbetween questions from her parents, and old friends visiting with even more questions that she sometimes doesn't know how to answer. Sora called her early that morning, told her to meet them in the afternoon on the island, by the tree. It was a short call, ended abruptly when his mother called him to breakfast, which made Kairi's lips quirk in a smile at Sora's hastled tone.

Riku's the first one to get there, already there when she arrives. He's sitting in the paopu tree looking out at the sea, deep in thought. He looks up when he hears her approach, and she pretends that the intensity of his gaze isn't unnerving at all.

He looks like he's been there for a very long time. He looks dead-tired, and nearly asleep as he sits in the tree with half closed eyes. He has dark circles under his eyes and stifles yawns almost every other minute. She comments on his exhaustion, and he reluctantly admits that he's been there since early that morning. (He doesn't tell her that he's been awake since a nightmare woke him up at an hour too early to even be considered morning after barely an hour of sleep.)

They wait, and Sora doesn't show up for a while. When he does, he's dressed in the same outfit that he left Destiny Islands in. Even if it fits a little too snug, the shorts a little too short, they all recognize it for what it is, and the memories attached hit them all with a wave of nostalgia.

It's not until she looks at her own clothing that she realizes that they're all dressed the way that they were when they left. She tugs on the edge of her shirt self consciously, suddenly feeling like her clothes are too small, the moment a little too close to the memory that's fresh in her mind.

Riku seems the most uncomfortable, his jeans are a little too short, the shirt a bit too tight, all of it looking like it should belong to someone else. They look out of place, like they're just trying on costumes that are the wrong size.

"Well this feels like deja vu," Sora quips with a brittle smile, and the tense atmosphere breaks as they all laugh nervously.

Kairi offers him a hesitant smile, and Riku offers him a hand, pulls him onto the tree with ease. He sits between them, and puts a hand on each of their shoulders, as if to hold them there in that moment.

For a while, they just sit in the paopu tree together, looking out at the ocean and feeling oddly reminiscent.

The legend of the paopu fruit must still hold some attraction, when they decide to share one, all three of them together. Sora's the one who suggests it, which isn't surprising since it's such a Sora-like thing to do.

He jumps up, scrambling onto the branch so he's standing, in a move that makes Riku flinch back in surprise, and he reaches up on his toes. Kairi giggles as he wobbles, and Riku sighs and grabs onto his legs to keep the boy from falling.

He picks a paopu fruit from the closest branch he can touch, just reaches out at random, pulls down a fruit along with a handful of leaves, and then he hands it to Kairi to keep it safe while he climbs back down with Riku's help.

She turns the fruit over in her hands, and a frown forms between her eyebrows. She'd imagined this before, imagined it with both Riku and Sora, at different times in her childhood, and the moment isn't much like she pictured.

Riku reaches over Sora, and takes it from her while she's still lost in thought. When she looks at him in confusion, he smirks and smoothly opens the blade of a tiny pocket knife. The motion makes her feel nervous for some reason, as he slices off three equal pieces of star-shaped fruit, handing them off for Sora to place on one of the leaves he pulled down with the paopu. (She wonders why he feels like he needs a weapon, now, when they're _home _and _safe_.)

He hands Sora another piece which he in turn passes to Kairi, and Sora takes another for himself off of the leaf. He grins at them both, and asks, "On three?"

Kairi grins back, finding his smile infectious, and even Riku's lips curve up at the corners in the most of a smile he'd give. "One," she says as she brings the slice close to her mouth.

Riku's next, he puts down the knife for the moment, and Kairi winces as the sun glints blindingly off the sharp blade. (She wonders why, why he can't feel safe, why he still feels nervous.) His eyes flick to her, and the shadow in them makes her shiver. It clashes with the bright, star shaped fruit, but then so does he. "Two."

Sora finishes the countdown, brings the fruit to lips as he speaks, "Three!"

Kairi bites down on her piece, and watches the others do the same. She has juice running down her fingers, and she doesn't even care how messy and impolite it is to just lick it off. Doesn't care, even though she knows that her mother would be horrified at her actions, doesn't care as she smiles happily. When Sora reaches for her hand, his own is sticky with fruit juice, and very warm. With his other, he takes Riku's hand even though the silver haired boy immediately tries to pull it away.

He smiles at them each in turn, and says, "Our destinies are intertwined now."

Riku snorts softly at that, lost faith in the legend around the same time he stopped believing in the tooth fairy or Santa. Sora shouts, and tackles him into the sand.

The hand that Sora was holding feels cold now, but her heart feels warm as she hears Sora yelp, "You're stuck with us now, you big jerk! We're never going to be away from each other again!"

They roughhouse in the sand, laughing as they playfully fight with each other just like they used to, and Kairi watches their antics with an indulging smile.

No, the moment wasn't like she had thought it would be. But she thinks that this way, it might have been better.

* * *

They sit in the sun, and watch it set until they hear Kairi's parents start to call her home that evening, and they part ways for the night, exchanging smiles and tight hugs.

The boys walk her home, and she's thankful for the extra minutes she gets to have with them. Her parents are waiting, and they tell the others to head home before their parents start to worry, and she notices that Riku's shoulders tense at the reminder, and Sora's smile cracks at the edges.

They leave, with more hugs and a few less smiles than before. The door closes behind them, and Kairi is alone.

She heads up to her room after a quick, uncomfortable dinner with more questions that she doesn't like. She goes to her window, and opens it wide to let in the cool night air and the smell of island flowers.

She gets ready for bed, and dresses in a white nightgown that makes her feel like she's still ten and dreaming of princes.

She kneels down by the open window, and stares up at the bright stars.

There are tears in Kairi's eyes that this time she knows aren't at all from happiness, and she hates that when they start to fall, they don't stop even when she thinks about all the good things in all the worlds. She rests her chin on her arms folded on the window sill, and lets the tears fall in silence.

It takes Kairi a long time to even step away from the window, and even longer to fall asleep.

* * *

Kairi dreams of when she was younger. She knows this day, this memory. It was just before they had decided that they wanted to leave, when they were still happy with their perfect world.

She watches herself, Sora, and Riku as they build sandcastles and swim, playing and laughing and smiling together. Her heart throbs in her chest, and she wants to cry.

She knows that they can't ever go back to the way that they were before, because _everything _changed, and the people on the beach with the _innocence_,and _light _are strangers to her now.

* * *

Kairi wakes up with her cheeks wet and her eyes stinging, the dream and her memories fresh in her mind. It's early, the sun just starting to rise. She slips out of bed, and walks to the window with quiet footsteps. She kneels down by the window, and watches the sun rise.

Her tears don't stop until long after the sun finishes rising, and she waits by the window and lets the fresh, new warmth dry the dampness on her cheeks.

* * *

When Sora and Riku were still gone, and she was alone on the islands, left behind and forgotten, Kairi spent days flipping through all of the photographs from when they were younger. (The memories were her only substitute for them.)

She picked out her favorite pictures of her favorite memories, and placed them in a photo album she put next to her bed, hoping it would make her feel a little less alone.

(It didn't work, and she didn't feel any less lonely whenever she woke up to find that it wasn't just a bad dream, and she really had been left behind.)

The album stayed by her bed the entire time they were gone, and she would flip through it from time to time, when she felt especially alone.

The pictures, bright with cheer and smiling children, made her feel cold inside, as she remembered what wasn't there.

There were two boy-sized holes in her heart, and the pictures only served to make them feel more empty.

Then she would close the book, and carefully return it to it's spot by her bed, where it would stay because she needed it.

The cold feeling always lingered long after the memories faded back to the past.

* * *

Another week passes, and she rarely sees Sora or Riku.

When she does, she sees new _changes _in each of them every time. Changes that she doesn't care for at all.

Sora's smile is starting to crack, just a little bit, but it's there. The cheer in his voice is more forced, less honest or real.

Riku still almost never smiles, and the circles under his eyes get worse every time she sees him. He's always the first on there when they meet at the tree, looking like he'd been there forever. Kairi sometimes wonders if he even sleeps at night, or if he just sits in the tree, or on the beach, awake all night.

She hates that whenever she sees Sora again, the cracks have grown once more. There's something sad and _lost _hiding underneath, and she'll only ever catch a glimpse before he pulls the edges back to close the crack, holding the pieces together carefully, knowing that if he lets go he'll fall apart.

She wants to hug them both, tell them that everything will be okay, even though as more time passes, she's not so sure that it will be.

* * *

The summer seems to pass quickly, whole days passing in the blink of an eye.

She tries to see Sora and Riku more, gets them out of their houses and away from their overbearing, always worried parents. They're just caring, and they know that, but knowing it doesn't make it any easier to put up with non-stop worrying.

Riku's pulling away from the world, even pulling away from Sora and Kairi. He's shutting himself away, talking less and less to the point that he barely says a whole sentence every day. His expression is shuttered, the emotions hiding behind a blank mask that just lets Kairi know how much he's hurting behind it.

Watching Sora is like watching a car crash in slow motion, as he smiles and smiles until it's stretched so thin that she can see the fear and confusion beneath. He laughs and jokes like nothing's changed, but it's just as much of a mask as Riku's blank face is.

It hurts to watch them try to pretend that everything is fine, and she knows that it will only get worse when they stop pretending, and they finally face the bitter truth of the changes they've made.

It makes her wonder what would have happened if they had never decided to leave.

* * *

Kairi finds herself spending hours at a time sitting by her window, especially after seeing Sora and Riku. More often than not, she finds that when she looks up at the sky, she stars to cry.

It's difficult to stop the tears, especially since she doesn't even know the reason for them. Most of the time, she'll just sit by the window until they stop of their own accord, and then she'll leave to find something to distract herself from the sadness that weighs heavily in her heart.

* * *

When Sora's mask of smiles breaks, he starts to cry. She's there for him like she knows he'd be for her. (She wants to cry with him, wants to grab him, and hug him, and sob with him as they cling to each other for the support that they both need.)

She pulls him close, arms around his shaking shoulders. She rests her chin on the top of his head, and runs a hand over his hair.

"It's so hard," he gasps out between sobs, and Kairi can feel her heart break with the words.

"I know." There's nothing else to say, nothing that she can do to make him feel better, or make _any _of this better, so she just holds him.

"It wasn't supposed to be this hard."

(_No_, Kairi thinks. _It wasn't. It was supposed to be __**better**__.)_

"I know," she says, and she's proud of the fact that her voice doesn't falter at all.

He takes a shaking breath, and before another round of sobbing starts he asks, "What changed?" He's not wearing a mask anymore, nothing there but honesty and openness. He's lost and confused, doesn't know where he went wrong and the world fell apart.

She doesn't answer, doesn't _have _one, and she doesn't think that he even expects one from her. It's not _her _that he's asking, just a question aimed towards the universe at large, asking _why._

And then Kairi knows that she was wrong.

Kairi had thought that she hated the mask of smiles that he had worn most of all. She realizes that she was wrong then, and that she hates the Sora who is in pieces even more.

* * *

That night, she feels very cold as she watches the sky.

* * *

It's only a matter of time.

It's only a matter of _when_.

Kairi can see the cracks on Riku's mask, sees the way that she pulls the pieces back together when they start to break. Can see the way he holds the splinters together, the death-grip he holds on them never slipping for even a second, because that would be long enough for it to fall apart.

Sora can see it too, she knows this. When they sit in the paopu tree together, sometimes they'll watch Riku hold his mask together, and their eyes will meet, full of sorrow and helplessness.

They can't help Riku, not the way he is, still using the broken mask as a shield to keep everyone at a careful distance away. He won't let anyone in, not even them. All they can do is watch him struggle and suffer, and wait for the mask to come crumbling down when it inevitably falls to pieces.

But Kairi hates the waiting, hates watching Riku suffer and _pretend _with his mask. He's getting closer to breaking, the expression looking more strained everyday as it becomes harder and harder to hold his blank face.

At night, when they all go their separate ways, Kairi sits and cries by the window, and asks the sky what she should do.

When there's no reply, she shuts the window, and closes the curtains to block out any sight of the moon or stars.

She doesn't sit by the window that night.

* * *

When Riku breaks, it almost goes unnoticed.

It's been happening slowly for some time now, maybe ever since they first came home. Happening slowly, not like Sora who held himself together until he _shattered_. Riku has been cracking since they came home, breaking a little more every day.

He's fading away. His eyes become more and more _empty _all the time, and Kairi wonders why it's taken _this long_ to see it.

He's almost completely lost himself now, burying himself in his own mind to protect from the things he doesn't want to face.

What makes Kairi realize just how far it's gone, how lost he is, is when she's sitting by the window in her room, and she sees him sitting on the beach. (Shadows, _Darkness _clings to him and his mask, but it's Dark enough already that she doesn't notice.)

She goes out into the night, barefoot and dressed in a white nightgown that feels absurdly out of place as she follows him to the beach.

The sand is cool beneath her feet, the feeling of her toes sinking into it as she walks makes her remember running here as a child.

Riku doesn't notice her, not even as she steps up behind him, bare feet whispering on the sand.

He doesn't notice her, not even when she's just a single foot away, standing by his shoulder. Not even when she settles onto the ground next to him, moving as quietly as she can so not to break the peaceful silence.

He does, however, notice when she places a gentle hand on his shoulder.

The reaction is instantanious, something ingrained too deeply to be anything less than instinct. He lashes out, one hand striking her shoulder with a backhand that hits the force of a punch.

(Kairi wonders why she didn't see it before, why is wasn't clear before when it's so glaringly obvious _now_.)

She's on the ground, in the sand, staring up at Riku as he stares down with empty, dead eyes. For a moment, neither of them move. Then Riku blinks, and some of that frightening blankness clears from his eyes as he flinches.

She reaches out with slim, pale hands, and takes Riku's between her own. "I'm sorry," Kairi says, and she's not quite sure what she's apologizing for. Her shoulder stings, but not nearly as much as knowing how much Riku had faded away without anyone knowing.

He gives her a sardonic look, one edged with bitterness.

She rubs a thumb over his hand and gives him an unconvincing, shaky smile. "It will be alright."

But when she meets Riku's eyes, she knows that he doesn't believe it either.

* * *

Kairi comes home late that night, to an empty house she's all alone i.

She goes up to her room and digs the shoe box out of her closet, buried beneath a surprising amount of clutter for just one month to have passed.

With shaking hands, she pulls the lid off and tosses it carelessly onto the floor.

The sight of the photo album makes her heart feel icy cold, bitter and full of resentment.

Her hands tremble as she flips through the pages, oddly gentle for all the anger in her eyes.

This time, the pictures don't make her feel cold. She already feels cold, and the pictures just make her _numb_.

Kairi's glad that her parents are out at a movie tonight, so there's no one to see her finally break down.

She tears the album in half, and pulls the carefully taped photos off the paper, rips them into pieces as she screams out her sadness in anger.

There's no tears, not tonight.

No sadness now, just anger that has been building up for a long time. Anger at nothing, because she knows that there's no one she can really blame. Anger at everything, for going wrong at every turn. She screams, and throws away the shreds of paper like they're burning, and curls her legs close to her chest as she presses her face to her knees.

She's angry at everything, and most of all she's angry with herself, for not knowing how to fix any of this.

But then the anger is gone as she takes a breath, and turns her head to the window.

The moon is bright and full, the stars twinkling knowingly. "Why?" she asks the sky, even though she's asked it enough times to know that it will never answer.

Kairi sits there for a long time, doesn't move until she hears her parents car in the driveway. Then she stands on legs that somehow manage to support her without collapsing, and she sweeps the torn bits of paper into the garbage with her hands, careful to brush away every last scrap.

She steps back to survey the room, and runs a still-shaking hand through her hair. There's nothing out of place, nothing to prove that she finally broke. She thinks, with a small smile, that maybe she can pretend that it didn't happen.

But the smile falters, and Kairi doesn't know why Sora and Riku like to pretend so much nowadays, when just one fake smile makes her feel hollow.

* * *

The next morning, they meet at the tree.

Sora isn't smiling anymore, and Riku still isn't smiling, though now he's dropped the mask.

She's the first one to voice what they all know.

"This isn't the way it was supposed to be."

Sora looks surprised for just a moment, as though he had expected some sort of warning before they all tore down their facades.

Silent tears run down her face as she glances between them. Pieces of a childhood, picked up and put back together in a way that doesn't fit.

Riku shakes his head, eyes still blank, still fading away even as she watches. "No," he confirms, voice oddly gentle for him. "It's not."

Sora looks like he wants to put the mask back on, to have something to hide behind. "It... It hasn't been, for a long time," he admits, however reluctantly, and Kairi considers it a victory that he didn't just go back to hiding.

"Then how can we fix it?" she asks, and regrets it. She doesn't want to know the answer, because that would be acknowledging that they needed fixing.

"We can't," Sora blurts out bitterly, and at the same time, Riku says, "We wait."

And that's it, all their options. Riku's eyes flicker with some strong, sad emotion. "We wait, and see what happens."

Sora nods, and reaches out to clasp one of Riku's, and one of Kairi's hands. "That's all we can do."

Kairi nods past the lump in her throat, and dismisses the helplessness she feels. "Then we'll wait."

* * *

Kairi sits in the moonlight shining in the window, and watches the stars glitter above.

She remembers the dream that she had, the one about the children they were, and realizes that it's true, that they _were _those children, but they aren't anymore.

Some point along their journey, they left those children behind on the beach, and became different people than they were.

Their past selves are strangers now.

Unbelieveablely naive, they didn't know anything about the way the world was, _is_, and the people they are now know it all too well.

Kairi sits by the window, and she realizes that she grew up. That her parents worrying feels stifling now that she knows that she can take care of herself, and she doesn't _need _them anymore. She's left the little girl behind with her two young princes, and she's become someone whose face in the mirror she barely recognizes.

She looks up at the stars and the heart-shaped moon, and knows that she won't be getting any sleep tonight. She rests her head on her arms on the window sill, and prepares to sit there the whole night, lost in her memories, and lost wondering why everything had to change when it was perfect the way that it was.

But then she knows that it wasn't, that it only seemed perfect on the surface. It wasn't enough for them then, and they decided they would leave to find _more_. It's not enough now, and nothing has changed except _everything _has, and this paradise world is still not what they _really _want.

She smiles, though it's sad and broken. _They _changed, she knows that now. Knows that's why Sora won't ever be able to smile as brightly as before, and knows that's why Riku will barely be able to smile at all.

This time, when she sits by the open window to watch the sky, Kairi doesn't cry at all.

* * *

**to be continued...**


	2. Sora: Still Not Quite Enough

**Disclaimer****-** I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

**Author's Note-** Here is the second chapter! Again, it's unbeta'd. The next chapter has barely been started, so there'll probably be a bit of a wait on that, especially since I'm going to be Very busy for a while.

Enjoy, and please review.

* * *

**After the Dream**

**Part II**

* * *

**Sora: Still Not Quite Enough**

_It's like things... aren't the way that they're supposed to be._

_Everything would be better, that's what I thought. Riku would be happier, less scared than he is, of something I can't even imagine. Kairi wouldn't be alone anymore beause we'd be together and that would make it better. We'd all go back to the way that we were._

_Riku's breaking, whatever the Darkness did to him, whatever happened to him, it left it's mark. He's snapping, more and more everyday. The worst part of it all, is that I can't stop it, can't help it._

_Kairi cries a lot now. She pretends that she doesn't, but I know she does. Her eyes are red a lot, and her voice is really shaky. She's not okay, not happy, and definitely not the little girl who smiled and wanted to be a princess._

_We're all breaking. We changed so much, nothing fits anymore. I'm different, I wish that I wasn't, but I am. And maybe that's not such a bad thing, but it is right now, and I've changed so much that I don't fit here anymore._

_Kairi doesn't, and Riku doesn't either. Our old lives, we don't fit in them anymore. We don't fit here, we don't belong here._

_This isn't the way that it was supposed to be, the way that we thought that it would be._

_Everything was going to be okay again._

_But that's not happening. It's been a month, we've been home for month but it hasn't happened yet. _

_I'm starting to wonder if it ever will._

* * *

When Sora wakes up in the mornings, it's still a surprise to see familiar surroundings. Still a surprise, despite the fact that they've been home for two months now, and things have gone back to normal again.

At least, as normal as they can be, after everything that's happened.

His room hasn't changed from how he remembered, although sometimes it feel like it is too small, the glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling something that should belong to someone much younger than he is.

Sora doesn't like to spend much time there, choosing to dress quickly in his old clothes which seem too small and downright _alien_, and he hurries out of the room that's filled with too many memories for him to bare,

His parents haven't changed, and when they smile at him as he leaves for school, a part of him wonders if he's always felt so out of place in his own life, or if it's a new addition that was added when they left.

When he gets to school, his old friends all crowd around him, asking cheerful questions and smiling these carefree smiles that something in his heart resents. (They're all still curious, still wondering, despite two months of questions and two months of carefully worded answers.)

Then Kairi arrives, giving Sora a sweet, happy grin that makes him feel warm inside, even if a tiny part of him very deep inside thinks that the smile looks odd with red hair, when for some reason it should be blonde. But he ignores the niggling feeling that something isn't right, and smiles back as Kairi is hounded by their friends, with more questions and more smiles. (Sora pretends that he isn't even a little bit envious of the way she looks so comfortable in their old life.)

Riku's the last to show up, sweeping up in a cloud of bad-feelings and resentment. The smiles and laughter dims, the questions becoming more subdued as he approaches, and he's no longer the little boy all the girls loved. (Sometimes, Sora envies Riku's ability to push people away. Sometimes, when the questions become too much, the smile is hard to keep up.)

They all seem to take a step back, even if nobody moves. The world seems to hold it's breath for a second, as he walks up to them, and gives Kairi and Sora both slight, secretive smiles.

After that everyone seems to disappear, Kairi and Sora stepping away from their old friends to be closer to Riku. (Neither of them are sure if they do it to make him feel more comfortable, or to be close enough to hold him back if he snaps.)

* * *

The teachers give Sora condescending smiles as he passes them in the hallways, and he fights not to let his happy grin falter. Fights to not scowl at them and shout, "I've seen things you can't even begin to imagine!"

Selphie sits next to him in his first class, always covering for him when he's singled out by teacher by answering the question herself, which he's greatful for. He's not focusing much, never did have the best attention span when it came to school, and now it's gotten even worse. She lets him copy her notes when he's too distracted and forgets to write them down. Always tells him what homework they have for the night, and never asks too many questions. Just smiles at him, a little confused, silently asking what happened to the boy who left, and who this imposter is.

The morning goes on like that, in a blur of mundacity. He sits with Tidus in the next class, with more of the same. He asks more questions than Selphie, questions about their time away. He doesn't comment when Sora freezes up, although the look on his face is a little odd. He does most of the talking anyways, babbling about the upcoming blitzball season and about wanting to ask Selphie to the winter dance.

Sora barely notices when the bell for lunch rings, gets swept along to the lunch room in the wave of students. For a moment, lost in the crowd, with no one singling him out, he can feel normal again.

* * *

Lunchtime is spent outside with Kairi, Riku and all their old friends. The grass is soft, such a vibrant green, and the sky is blue above them. Everything around them seems to be brighter than it used to be today, and Sora feels grey against a technicolor backdrop.

There's more questions, directed mostly at him and Kairi because no one is brave enough to ask Riku when he glares at the sky like _that_.

Kairi's smile fades a bit when they ask the more difficult questions, things like, "Were you ever scared?" They glance around at each other, and Sora nearly flinches at the shadow in Riku's eyes. Kairi's smile seems more like glass, on the edge of splintering.

No one notices the way that Sora's hands flex as though he expects his keyblades to be there.

They never are.

* * *

The afternoon passes in a blur, as Sora loses himself to his memories. By the time the day is over, he can hardly remember it, too much of his mind preoccupied with the past and the memories he cherishes. Even the memories he doesn't cherish, and some of the ones he'd like to push to the back of his mind so that they're not so sharp and painful, he loses himself in those too.

When they meet after school, Kairi comments on his distraction with a worried look.

"I'm just tired," he explains. "Stayed up last night, that's all," he manages to say.

Kairi just nods, and doesn't ask any more questions even though she doesn't look like she believes him.

She walks home with him, and he notices that with more clarity than anything that he had all afternoon. Riku's with them too, walking just a step or two behind, and Sora notices that too.

They leave him at his door, and Riku needs to tap his shoulder several times before he even realizes that he's home.

Kairi gives him a worried frown, and says gently, "Get some sleep," before she and Riku leave, Riku still two steps behind.

Sora hardly pays attention to closing and locking the door, the locking a new addition. No one ever locked their doors on Destiny Islands, there was no reason to. Now he can't sleep knowing that the door is unlocked, and it makes him feel safer knowing it is. (Not that something as flimsy as a lock would stop a _Heartless_, and definitely wouldn't stop anything that _really_ wanted in, but he tries to not think about that.)

The walk to him room passes strangely, and he finds him laying on his bed when his eyes manage to focus again. When he thinks back, he can't remember taking his shoes off, or saying hello to his parents. It doesn't bother him, not when he's this distracted and his mind is this fuzzy.

Sora stares at his ceiling, dotted with the stars that Kairi and Riku had helped him put up when he was much younger.

The room feels too small, and it makes his skin itch and his throat squeeze. He feels trapped here, in this place that's familiar and alien at the same time.

When he's had enough of drowning in the bleak reality of the present, he closes his eyes.

And once again, Sora looses himself in his memories.

* * *

It's morning by the time Sora manages to pull himself out of his thoughts.

He has vague recollections of his parents telling him that dinner was ready, and has even hazier recollections of him telling them that he wasn't feeling well, that he was going to sleep early and didn't want anything to eat.

He can't remember their response, can't remember if his father came up at any point to tuck him in like he was still five and scared of the dark, of the monsters in the closet, under the bed. He can't remember if his mother came with a mug of that herbal tea she always made when he had the cold, can't remember if she came to kiss him on the forehead and say, "Feel better soon, baby."

Sora goes through the steps of preparing for school mindlessly, doesn't notice what clothes he carelessly throws on, doesn't comb his hair because if he's really, truly honest, he can't be bothered at all.

His parents are at the table with cups of coffee, talking quietly enough that even if he was paying attention, he wouldn't have been able to hear. They offer him breakfast, but he declines, says that he'll be late if he doesn't leave now, even though school doesn't start for an hour and is only a fifteen minute walk away.

He flees the house, and the people who are his parents, yet he can't believe that they are because he doesn't remember the parents that he left behind ever being this unbearable.

Sora wonders briefly if he hates them, wonders what hate is, such a foreign concept to him, who saved the worlds and became a hero and loved every single person he saved, regardless of whether they knew him or not. He thinks that he can't, that he can't hate him because hate isn't something that has any place here, on Destiny Islands where everything is perfect and pristine.

He's glad that he left early, because he has just enough time to run down to the beach, to the paopu tree and the sunny, happy memories it bring with it. Sora sits there for as long as he can with his fingers into fists tight enough to make his nails dig deep into his skin, a bright bloom of pain, and he relishes in the feeling.

The pain keeps him grounded, keeps him from loosing himself in his head right now, because he can't stay for long and he needs to get to school, and Riku and Kairi are probably waiting for him, but he can't pull away just yet, breathing heavily as he tightens his hands, feeling too hot and stifled.

Then there's something warm and wet on his palms, and Sora glances down to see that his hands are dripping blood, uncurls his fists to crescent-moon-shaped cuts from where his nails broke the skin. The cuts smart, but it's mild compared to some of what had happened to him on his adventures, wounds that put this one to shame.

He stares the blood with morbid fascination, and holds his hand out, sees red trickle down from the cuts and across his palm, down his fingers to coat his whole hand. An irrational impulse sparks, and he traces letters onto the pale bark of the paopu tree with his fingertips, then pulls away without a backward glance. He runs down to the water, and rinses away the blood, the sting of salt keeping him in the present.

He's lost enough time already, and he probably really _is_ late for school now, so he takes off down the beach at a run, pressing his fingers hard against the cuts, lets it keep him anchored.

Behind him, the letters, "S. R. K." are painted on the tree in crimson.

* * *

The rest of the week passes with more of the same, more blurry distraction and fuzzy mind. (_There will only be more of the same, _he thinks. _That's all there is now.)_

Sora knows that Kairi's worried, and knows that Riku's worried too, in his own way. He can't pull himself out of the stupor that he's fallen into, too deep in memories to climb out.

The weekend can't come fast enough, and when it finally arrives, Sora feels like he can breathe again.

The play islands is where they meet, by the paopu tree. Riku always gets there first, and Sora has his suspicions about whether he ever sleeps. Sora's second to get there today, and when a piece of driftwood breaks under his foot, he startles the one who's already there. Riku sits up from where he was laying back on the sand with surprisingly quick reflexes from someone who looks more than half asleep. Startled, he's a bit like a frightened rabbit, with flashing ocean-eyes darting about in search of a threat.

After that, Sora makes sure to step loudly, and the silver-haired-head turns to him, eyes still narrowed dangerously. Neither of them say a word, and Sora sits on the sandy beach next to the taller boy, and they wait for Kairi in silence.

* * *

They don't need to wait long, she gets there not long after Riku's muscles finally uncoil from the tensed, battle-ready stance. He has his back against the tree like Sora's, sitting on the sand watching the tide, so close that their shoulders are almost pressed together.

Riku startles again when she comes into view, eyes wide, and Kairi apologizes quietly.

Now that they're away from everyone and their questions and their watching, staring eyes, they drop the too-wide grins in favor of tired, distracted expressions.

Sora doesn't notice Kairi speaking until she has to almost shouts his name to catch his attention. When he looks over, there's worry etched on her face, in the frown between her eyebrows, and he doesn't know what to say to make her feel better.

"I-" he starts hesitantly, unsure.

"_Don't_ say you're fine," Kairi snaps, though there's a trembling edge to it. "Don't say that you're fine, because you're _not_." Her voice breaks, and Sora feels like the worst person in the world when tears start to run down her face. "Don't _lie_ to me!"

"Don't cry." It works almost like reverse psychology, except the reaction he's gets isn't what he's aiming for. "Please don't cry."

Right on cue, she starts crying harder. Shoulders that have gotten thinner since their return are shaking, and when Sora reaches out to pull her close, she curls into his embrace, lets him hold most of her weight as though she can't keep standing anymore. They appreciate the closeness that they can't enjoy around everyone else, and it's not a surprise when she reaches out a hand for Riku. It's also not a surprise when Sora mirrors the movement, and they pull the other boy into them, arms wrapping around shoulders, sprawled legs tangling on the sand. It's just closeness, just being together again after being apart for a very long time while they were away, and then having been pulled apart once more after they returned home.

Sora can feel Riku trembling with his arm around his shoulders, and can feel Kairi's tears on his cheek. He has always hated when Kairi cried, and as children, he and Riku would often go out of their way to prevent it from happening.

But now Kairi cries so often, and they can't do _anything_ to keep it from happening anymore.

Sora's eyes sting, and he knows that it's not just from the strands of silver hair covering his face and hanging in his eyes from Riku's larger body leaning over him, and Kairi as they each lean on his chest, their own cheeks pressed together.

"Don't," Riku says with shaky, unsure composure, and holds them both tighter, carefully gentle. "Don't cry."

It really does work like reverse psychology, and Sora wonders why people _always _feel compelled to say, "_Don't cry_," when it _always _just makes the tears fall.

Sora's cheeks are damp, not just from Kairi's tears, but his own now too.

Riku's hand comes up from his shoulder to brush his cheek, and he can feel the taller boy's chest shake with the effort of keeping from crying himself.

Kairi laughs brokenly and runs a softly hand over silver hair like she's petting a cat. "Don't cry, Riku."

He doesn't consciously let himself stop holding up the mask, but when it drops he seems to sag like a puppet that's had it's strings cut. Then his arms tighten around Kairi and Sora, holds them close to him when the tears fall, the reverse psychology working just like clockwork.

Sora says what all of them know, and if the other two want to feel angry at him for ruining the act that they are holding up, they can't when they know that it would be impossible to spend their entire lives pretending.

"We're not okay."

They don't say a word, and Sora hates that it feels like he _broke_ something.

"This is not the way we're supposed to be."

They don't reply, because no one needs to say anything when they all know it's true, and really, there's nothing to say.

* * *

For a long time, they don't move.

For a long time, they lay on the beach and don't speak.

None of them make a move to pull away from the embrace, from the closeness, so they stay that way and watch as the tide slowly comes in.

As the sun starts to set, the crying slows, and then it stops for each of them at different points during the sun's desent. The remaining tears dry under the dying sun.

The stars come out one by one, and tonight their parents don't call them home. They all warned their mothers and fathers that they'd be out late, and not to worry. (None of them wanted to go home before it was necessary.)

They watch the heart-shaped moon rise in silence, and they all wait until it's in the center of the sky before them before breaking the moment.

Riku's mask is still down when he speaks, the words oddly raw in their utter honesty. "I think," he says carefully, "That it hasn't been alright since before we left."

They both nod, and they _know_ that it's true.

"It's not getting better, is it." Kairi asks, doesn't say it like a question because she knows the answer, but needs to voice it. "We said that we'd wait. But we've waited, and it's not better."

"No," Sora says, wants to apologize to Kairi immediately afterward when she gives him this look like his words physically hurt her. "It's not."

He can't lie and say that it is, can't tell her that it's getting better, that it'll be perfectly alright, because it's not getting better, and it's not alright, and Sora can't lie to keep from crushing her small hopes anymore.

"I don't want to wait for it to get better," Kairi whispers this, afraid to admit that she's _tired_.

"I think that we could wait forever, and it wouldn't get any better." Sora swallows, forces back the tears and continues with a voice that only trembles slightly, "It's not working," he takes a breath, shuddering, and says, "It hasn't been, and it's not going to start any time soon."

"But there's nothing else that we can do but wait," Kairi says, presses a hand to his cheek and stares at him with eyes that are begging him to understand.

Riku clears his throat, something he always needs to do before talking since he rarely uses his voice at all. "Sora," he starts, then stops, frowns. "You can't just... give up."

Sora jerks, and suddenly he's on his feet again, and glaring the other boy with his cheeks flushed with anger. "I'm not _giving up_!" he cries, and his fingers curl, as if searching for a keyblade that isn't there.

Then Riku stands too, steps forward, something threatening in his body language and something murderous in his eyes, and says, just as passionately, "Then what do you call _this_? Because it looks like _giving up_ to me."

For a second, Sora waits to feel the familiar weight of his keyblades, and when it doesn't come, he throws his hands up, exasperated. "It's called '_not wanting to spend the rest of my life this unhappy_'!"

Riku opens his mouth to snip something clever and biting back, but before he can, Kairi says, "Stop," from where she's still sitting on the sand.

They both freeze, and look at her in surprise, almost like in the moment, they had forgotten that she was there. "Just stop," she whispers, and Sora feels guilty, knows that Riku feels it too even if he'd never admit it.

Riku drops to his knees, and draws her into his arms, and Kairi tugs Sora back down, onto the sand, and then pulls him into the embrace until they're wrapped up in each other again.

"Just... try, for a little while longer," Riku says tonelessly. "Maybe it'll start getting better."

Neither Kairi or Sora call him on the lie.

* * *

Sora finds himself less likely to loose himself in his mind, and finds that he doesn't experience that there are blocks of time in his recent memory that he can only vaguely remember. He's more there now, and Kairi and Riku help keep him in the present by lulling him away from his thoughts when he starts daydreaming.

They talk on the phone, now. Nightly, sometimes for hours and hours into the early morning. It helps, it's something solid and constant to keep him focused.

And now it's just before sunrise, and Sora's laying on his bed watching the sky slowly pale from an inky black to a lighter and lighter blue. He hasn't gotten stuck on a memory all night. He thinks that this might be a sign that things are changing.

The phone is cradled in the crook of his head, and he whispers, "I don't know how much longer I can wait."

On the other end, he hears Kairi let out a shaky laugh, and hears Riku on his line sigh, almost in relief.

"Keep trying," Kairi says as gently as she can, which isn't as gentle as she or Sora expects, more brusque and _tired_. "Please, just _keep trying_, Sora."

* * *

Two weeks later, and Sora doesn't lose himself more than once or twice a day, if it even happens, and when it does, it's for a few minutes at the most.

"Do you ever think that things might be better if we weren't here?" Sora asks them one day, while they're still sprawled out under the peach tree during lunchtime at school.

(He thinks that things are changing.)

Riku stares at him for a long moment, the look as expressive as words would be. It says, "_Yes_."

Kairi makes a frustrated sound, and gives him a sharp glance. "We are _home_," she says, almost coldly.

Sora waits, wonders if she's going to add anything else, but she doesn't, and her face is closed off, she won't be adding anything else, the discussion over.

The rest of the lunch hour is quiet and tense, and when the bell rings for them to go back to class, Kairi won't look at either of them.

Sora wonders if this is her way of coping; to pull away from them because they're just reminders of what happened.

* * *

Kairi walks home with Selphie after school, and Sora and Riku are left waiting outside the school for her until someone, an older boy a year or so above, them tells them that she already went home.

They don't speak until they're almost at Sora's door, and he says, "It _would_ be better, wouldn't it?"

Riku's steps don't falter, and his face remains blank, but there's tension in his shoulders that hadn't been there before Sora spoke.

"Maybe," he says, and tilts his head to the side. "Maybe it would be."

* * *

Later that night, after Sora's parents have gone to bed, thinking that he'd been asleep long before, Riku calls him for the nightly talk.

The first thing he says is, "Kairi didn't pick up the phone," which is when Sora feels like the world has turned upside down, because Kairi _always_ answers the phone, especially _now_ when these night-time talks help so much, when they want to be together but _can't_ because they have _parents_ and _school_ and all _sorts_ of things stopping them from spending every night together on the beach.

He licks his lips, says faintly, "I'll try calling."

It takes three tries before he gets the number right, shaky fingers hitting all the wrong buttons. He puts the phone to his ear and listens to the ringing on the other end. Riku is silent on his line, and they listen together, and Sora counts out ten rings before there's a click and Kairi's family's voicemail message plays.

He ends the call before the recorded message is finished, stares at the stars on his ceiling, and wonders what happened, if Kairi just wasn't _there_, was at a friends house, maybe, and her parents were sleeping, and no one picked up the phone, or it was something else.

He wonders whether she is there, in her room, and if she listened the phone ring, and just didn't answer, didn't want to talk to them. He wonders why she doesn't want to, wonders if this is just more of her pulling away from them, from what they represent.

That they represent the fact that they all _left_, and they came back completely different people. That they don't fit anymore.

He hears Riku make a low noise in the back of his throat, and it brings him back to his room, not needing any other cue to stop dwelling before gers lost again. It bring him back to this night that feels so lonely. "She didn't answer," he whispers, and hears Riku moving on the other end. "Why didn't she answer?"

"I'm coming over," Riku says, and completely avoids the question that Sora asked.

Sora says, "No!" and then winces at how loud it was, freezes for a moment when he hears one of his parents move in the hall. "Hold on," he whispers into the phone, and lays his head down, pretending to be asleep with the phone hidden under his pillow.

Someone stops outside his room, and the door creaks open. Footsteps move closer, and he feels a hand smooth hair away from his face, and feels someone kiss him on the forehead. Then the footsteps retreat, and he slits open his eyes to see his mother disappearing down the hall.

When the door closes behind her, he puts the phone to his ear again, says as quietly as he can, "Stay home." He glares at the stars that are glowing merrily in the dark, and feels his free hand curl into a fist as he wishes he could destroy his whole room without anyone noticing.

Riku is silent for so long, that Sora wonders whether he hung up, and says cautiously, "Are you still there?"

"I'm here," Riku says, soundly mildly amused, which is surprising, and makes Sora muffle hysterical laughter by shoving a pillow over his face.

He hears Riku chuckle on the other end, and smiles, knows that it's almost impossible to get Riku to laugh now.

"We'll talk to Kairi tomorrow," Sora says abruptly, any trace of laughter gone from his voice.

Riku murmurs an affirmative, and for a while they're both quiet, listening to the sound of breathing on the other end to reassure them that they're both still there.

"Do you remember when we decided to leave?" Sora asks, little more that a whisper.

He hears Riku sigh, and winces slightly, remembers that them deciding to leave had been the catalyst to change what would have been a perfect world and a perfect life into something twisted and utterly _imperfect_, unwanted.

Riku says, "I remember," and coughs once before adding, "We weren't happy here. We never could have been."

Sora wonders on that for long while, and knows that Riku doesn't mind the extended silences from him, knows that it's enough to just be sure that there's someone on the other end who will listen if he has something that he needs to say.

"We're not happy here now." Sora _hates_ that, hates that they're not happy because they _should_ be, they're home, but it's not... _anything_, anymore, just a place where they don't belong.

"No," Riku says. "We're not happy."

Sora is so _tired_ of waiting, because waiting is just doing nothing, and doing nothing won't help this, fix whatever's wrong with their world.

He says, "I don't know if we can be."

This time, the silence on the other end is painfully loud in the lonely night.

* * *

The next day, Kairi acts like nothing happened, and tells them that she had already been sleeping when they called, which Sora knows is a blatant lie, since there's dark circles under her eyes that completely contradict what she said. He sees her yawn just as often as he and Riku do, and knows that she _lied_ to them, and she never used to lie.

Sora also knows for a fact that Kairi spends most nights awake the entire night, says that it's because she likes sunrises, but no one likes sunrises enough to not get any sleep for days at a time.

None of them sleep well anymore, which is why they have hours-long phone conversations in the hours when everyone else on the islands are sleeping. They keep each other company while they can't sleep, and use the time to reminisce and whisper truths that the light of day makes too awful to speak of.

She spends lunch in the lunchroom with Selphie, and Rikku, and a bunch of other girls whose names Sora can't quite remember, but remembers very clearly how they always had too many questions than he liked to answer.

"We'll talk to her after school," Sora says when he meets Riku outside, and the other boy nods.

He sits under the peach tree with Riku, and they don't talk at all.

* * *

But Kairi is clever, and it's not until three days later that they get her alone.

"You _can't_ just step away from us and pretend that you haven't changed at all," Sora says to break the uncomfortable silence, and if he's honest really isn't what he _meant_ to start with here, but it's what came out, and it works just as well. "We're the only ones who _understand_."

Kairi's eyes flash, and she yanks her hand away from him. "And what if I'm _not_ pretending, _Sora_? What _then_?"

Sora frowns, which makes him look older. "You told me to stop lying. So why do _you_ get to lie to _us_?" he asks sharply, turns to Riku for support, and the silver-haired boy nods in agreement, which doesn't seem to help them because Kairi just scowls in response.

She looks nervous for a split second, but scowls even more fiercely to cover it up. "It's not the same," she says flippantly, and turns her head so she doesn't have to look at them.

Riku says, "It's exactly the same," and Kairi flinches slightly.

Sora gives an annoyed huff, and reaches out, grabs her by the shoulders, and yanks her in for a suffocating hug. "We're your best friends," he mumbles into her ear, somewhat muffled by red hair. "You don't fool us."

He can feel her shoulders shake, and knows that they've got her back, that she's dropped the lies with them, and that maybe they'll be okay.

Riku joins in on the hug after Sora held out one arm and gave him a pointed look. They keep Kairi in the middle, and Sora strokes her hair in what he hopes is a comforting way, and murmurs reassurances in her ear.

It's not normal in any way, but it's normal for _them_, and they have Kairi back which makes everything seem a little bit brighter, because they have a piece of _themselves_ back.

* * *

After they fall back into their routine, they spend the entire weekend on the beach, camped out in sleeping bags under the sky. It's peaceful and they _fit_ right now, and Sora wishes that it could be like this always, but moments like this a few and far between. Moments where everything seems okay happen maybe once a month, usually less, and that doesn't seem right, _isn't_ right.

They have Kairi back, but it seems a little strained, her presence in their lives less of a fixture than it used to be, and Sora gets the impression that if he says the wrong thing, it'll send her running again. Their relationship is like a broken vase, glued back together but still one wrong step from falling apart.

And it shouldn't be this hard. He doesn't _want_ it to be this hard.

"I think that we should leave," Sora says as they stand around a tall bonfire in companionable silence. Says it calmly, like he hasn't just dropped a _bomb_ as a conversation starter.

Immediately, Kairi laughs with no humor, and says sharply, "You have _no idea_ what you're talking about, Sora." She crosses her arms over her chest, and glares at him. "You don't know _anything_."

Riku puts a calming hand on her shoulder which has the opposite effect, and she shakes it off violently, whirls around to point a finger at him. "You _agree_ with him, _don't_ you?" The way she says it, as though she feels like he betrayed her by not siding with her.

Riku frowns, a common expression for him, now, and says lowly, "We're not _happy_ here, Kairi." He puts the hand back on her shoulder, and glances at Sora, who's glaring at Kairi with a furious expression.

She makes a sound caught between a sob and a scream, says, "This is our _home_." She pauses, collects herself slightly, and continues, "We can't expect things to go back to normal _immediately_."

"Things _aren't_ going to get better," Riku says, and there's an unspoken apology in his eyes.

"It _will_!" Kairi raises her chin, stares at him stubbornly, waits for him to change his mind and agree with her, but he's not, silent and resigned with the knowledge that Sora is _right_, and it's _not_ getting better.

"It's _going_ to happen, and we can't _leave_!" she cries, eyes wide and desperate.

Sora _snaps_, and he's _angry_, so angry, all of the emotions that he's buried deep inside his heart rising to the surface. He reaches out, and grabs her arm tightly, pulls her away from Riku, and makes her look at him, like she hasn't done for days. He says with tightly wound energy, "It's been _months_, Kairi." He lets go then, and steps back to pace in zigzags on the sand. "I _did_ what you said!" he cries, and pauses to look at her with anguished eyes. "I _waited_ for things to get better, but they _didn't_, and I don't want to spend the _rest_ of my _life_ sitting on this beach and _waiting for something better_!"

Kairi's shivering visibly even though it's not cold, and she's backing away, carefully taking steps away from them as she stares at them, eyes wide and sad. "We _can't_ leave. We're _not leaving_, Sora!"

"We're not done talking about this," he says, and reaches out to take her arm, to keep her from running away, but she skitters out of reach like a spooked animal, fight or flight instinct activating, and Kairi has chosen _flee_.

She continues backing away, stares at them like she doesn't recognize them, and it makes Sora _ache_ inside, to see that look on her face, to know that she really _is_ pulling away, and that she's running away from this, from _them_.

"We _are_ done talking about this," Kairi hisses, eyes narrowing, and she's all false bravado that he can see through in a second. "You can't just expect me to _leave_, Sora. This is our _home_!"

"Is it really?" Riku asks, and the words make Kairi go very still, make her stop backing away as they sink in, a cold, horrible truth that she will deny because she can't face it yet.

"Is it _really_ still our home?" Riku asks again, and from the firey look in her eyes, she wants to hate him for it.

Sora _knows_ that it's not. Maybe he's known since he started wanting to destroy his old bedroom, or maybe since he wondered whether what he felt about his parent was hate. Just hasn't let himself think it.

Kairi opens her mouth to speak, but no words escape, so she shakes her head, once, and walks away. Sora wonders when it got to the point that they can't even have a single conversation without one of them running away. Wonders when they _started_ running away, and wonders if this means anything about how she feels about them, that she can run away without looking back once.

He really wants to scream, or hit something, anything to get this frustration out. "We're _not _done talking about this!" he shouts after Kairi's retreating back, and watches as she continues, as she _doesn't_ turn back, doesn't come back to them like he wants her to, needs her to. "Next time, you _can't just run away_ when you don't like what we're saying. You need to stay, you need to _listen to us_."

But she doesn't give any sign that she heard his words, and eventually she disappears from sight.

Sora sighs, and slumps down with his back against the paopu tree. "This isn't over," he says softly, tired.

Riku sits down next to him, a warm presence at his side, but also a reminder that Kairi's not on his other side. He leans into the taller boy's shoulder, and shuts his eyes tight, pulls his knees to his chest to make himself smaller, and wishes that he didn't exist.

* * *

**to be continued...**


End file.
